The Mindful Lawyer

Centering prayer is a method of silent prayer that prepares us to receive the gift of contemplative prayer, prayer in which we experience the presence of God within us and we rest in His presence. Centering Prayer is not meant to replace active forms of prayer such as vocal prayer, such as the rosary; or meditative prayer like lectio divina wherein one prays with the Scripture and places oneself in the scene or focuses on a word or phrase that touches them. Centering prayer emphasizes prayer as a personal relationship with God and as a movement beyond conversation with Christ to communion and encounter with Christ.

One rests in God and in the silence and privacy you experience the intimacy of relationship. It is a prayer of surrender and receptivity. This spiritual practice allows one to calm down interior. In his article St Teresa of Avila and Centering Prayer, Carmelite Ernest E. Larkin states, “The prayer is contemplative in thrust but active in method, inasmuch as it is within human possibility and choice and recommends itself to mature Christians who have thought and prayed ABOUT God enough and now are looking for “more,” that is, a deeper, more personal contact with God. This explains the attraction and call to this form of prayer.

It is practiced by finding a quiet space to sit comfortably for twenty minutes to thirty minutes. One chooses a Sacred word or phrase to repeat if one notices their thoughts are distracting them and turning them away from God’s presence. One can also use one’s breath; breathing in and out. The breath or sacred word serves as a gentle reminder to us we are consenting to God’s presence and movements within. It is as if we whisper, “God here I am.” The sacred word does not have meaning in itself as in vocal prayer but a reminder of consent and love. The sacred word can be the name of God such as “Abba,” “Christ, “ Lord,” or words that connote the experience of God such as Love, Joy, Peace, or Mercy. It is something one will be comfortable with and allow the transition to the contemplative state.

It is best to choose a word and use the same word each time to create the space and experience to enter into the center. This was not an easy transition for me. I am very active and cerebral in my approach to pray. I also have great difficulty remaining in the present. My thoughts seem to veer toward the future and I have developed such a habit of planning and always thinking about what is next. I also worry about making the most of my “precious” time. My mantra has been, “What am I accomplishing? What have I done with the day? My ability to multi-task became a badge of honor.

Until I began to realize I was always moving and that if God was speaking to me I would not hear Him because I was never in one place long enough. Centering prayer is a spiritual discipline that has helped me listen and slow down. I am now better able to listen to others. I notice I remain calm when before I would became anxious and angry; often blowing up and lashing out. I still lose my temper, however, it is not as frequent and I realize when I do. This is a discipline and practice and as the old saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.” There are times I am very distracted; other times I feel consoled and peaceful. I realize that this is a relationship and like any relationship it is ever changing and growing. I also know relationships takes commitment and I am committed. I feel it has allowed me to make progress in the spiritual journey. I like many in our society wish to live more mindfully, which is defined as being in and fully in the present moment. To be aware and attentive to what is going on around you as well as within you.

Centering prayer has helped me not only in my spiritual journey to God but it has enabled me to live mindfully. I have been practicing centering prayer for over a year now. To be aware of God’s presence and to remain in the present is no easy task. We often spend our time in either reliving the past by recalling past hurts and memories or we are caught up in the future with planning and worrying of what may be. In reality all we have is the present moment and we often fitter it away. All God gives us is the present. He breathed life into us and we continue to breathe with His very breath One breath at a time.

I recently attended a Centering Prayer Retreat. Father Bill Sheeran led the conference. He is now in his late seventies. He has been an advocate and proponent of Centering Prayer for years and has been involved in revitalizing the movement with Father Thomas Keating. He spoke of how it took him so long to realize that he was not living in the moment. He spoke of being dominated by his ego and his constant chatter that kept him immobilized and distracted. There is no true lasting joy or peace in such an existence. There is an old Zen saying if we are not in the present we are in a constant ping pong game of sorry/worry sorry/worry. I truly understand this now. Father Sheeran told us that Father Keating describes our ego as a bridge that covers over the present moment. At one end is the past and one end is the future. The center is the present moment. To combat his tendency to not remain in the present Father Sheeran has developed a practice of paying attention to his breath. Whenever he catches Himself leaving the present moment he breathes in through the nose and says, “acceptance” and breathes out through the nose and says “surrender.” It keeps him grounded and aware.

So if one thinks about remaining silent with God for 20 minutes twice daily you may ask what will happen? I say find out! Breathe in and breath out choose your sacred word and enter into communion with God. Discover who you truly are.

As I continued on my spiritual and mindfulness journey I decided I should return to see my
spiritual director. If I was going to continue to grow and flourish I knew I needed someone to walk with
me on this path. I needed to make the time. When I confided in him how at times I felt stuck and
was not sure if I was truly following God’s will in my life; he listened attentively. I described how I
longed to be closer to God and I wanted to keep Him with me through the day; not just during the times
I prayed, attended mass, or practiced centering prayer. I wanted to be truly present throughout my
day. He suggested I embark on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. He told me to order Kevin
O’Brien’s book, “The Ignatian Adventure.” The Spiritual Exercises are a compilation of meditations,
prayers, and contemplative practices developed by St. Ignatius to help people deepen their relationship
with God.

I was attracted to the Exercises as they are designed to help one hear God’s call by freeing us of
the interior clutter in our minds and whatever inordinate attachments we hold that prevent us from
following God. When I read in Kevin O’Brien’s introduction “that the adventure that God had in store for
Ignatius was traveling the distance between the head and the heart and inspiring him with bold holy
desires for God’s glory and service of others.” I could definitely relate. I often have difficulty integrating
what I know with how I live and feel. I knew I had made the right decision. I longed to grow in union with
God which is the purpose of the exercises.

I also found it ironic that O’Brien now a Jesuit was an attorney like myself. At the beginning of
the book Kevin O’Brien recalls being in court and has a vivid memory of being outside of the courthouse
conversing with an older Jewish woman named Miriam who happened to be his client. After lunch he
did not want to go back to court. He realized he was more content “being” with Miriam, than being her
lawyer.

He felt a pull and began to explore these feelings. He said being a lawyer he wanted an answer
and needed to know what to do and then do it. This I something I related to all too well. I took this as a
prompting from the Holy Spirit that I too was on the right path. After a year of prayer, spiritual direction
and patience he finally heard God’s voice clearly and became a Jesuit. God had a greater calling for him.
Once again the recurrent theme of discovering your true self and not remaining in the false self came
through. I hoped the Exercises would help me address these concerns and help me discover
my true self.

In preparation for the exercises it was recommended to me by my director to create a sacred
space to pray and begin the exercises. A place separate and apart to be able to enter into
the experience and focus my attention on Him. I wondered how to make it special and reverent. We
discussed a crucifix, fresh flowers and a candle. As I prepared the area the first morning I became
jubilant and carefully arranged everything. I lit the candle arranged the flowers and realized how ritual is
so important to mark sacred time. As I readied the table I thought about something my spiritual director
said, “When you read the scripture passages assigned on a particular day be with the Word as if it was a
person because it is Christ. Rest in it. Stay with it. Be with Him.” This is His place.

The exercises are a commitment of time and energy. The exercises if not done at a retreat for a
full thirty days is spread out over 30 weeks. It is recommended you spend at least an hour a day in
prayer and meditating over the daily recommended scripture reading. Every week has a suggestive
grace to pray for and meditate on. This is not a difficulty for me as there is nothing I would
rather do with my time then study and be with the Word of God. To converse with Him and listen with
an ear of the heart. I am so excited about what I might discover about Him and myself. I am eager to
embark on this adventure and I will reflect and journal about my experiences. I will share my insights
and how these days have touched me, what insights I received and I pray this experience will bring the
mindful lawyer further along my journey.

I was ecstatic when I heard that it was going to be 90‑degree weather on a Saturday at the end of April.  I immediately made plans to spend a day at the beach.  I packed all the magazines I was meaning to read, some work I did not get to, and a book I hoped to begin.  I went to the   beach, situated myself, and thanked God for such a beautiful day.  I was thrilled that the beach was not crowded and I was able to choose a place where no one was around to distract or bother. Mark was also there, but he had already said that he wanted to fish so I knew that he would not be anywhere near the vicinity of my chair.  I sat down, got myself comfortable, and was ready to delve into my reading. I felt a little tickle on my arm and I noticed a ladybug on my arm.  I tried to blow the ladybug off, but to no avail.  Then I flicked the ladybug off my arm and it fell upside down on the sand.  Now I felt guilty, so I helped turn it right side up and it began walking on the sand by my chair.  I turned to my magazine and I noticed that now the ladybug was now on my leg.

I was becoming irritated and again, I flicked the ladybug off.  This time the ladybug started to fly and I thought for sure I was clear of this annoying bug.  I went back to the magazine determined to begin. After a few minutes I realized the lady bug was back on my arm. I became exasperated, but then I took a deep breath and I said to myself, wait a minute, this is more than a coincidence.  I took a good look at the ladybug and saw just how beautiful she was.  She  had a bright orange color, about three or four black round dots perfectly formed, each the exact same size on its back. Her wings delicate and graceful. Her movement was like a dance, as she moved down my arm.

As I pondered the ladybug, I looked up and I “saw” the ocean, maybe for the first time that day. I was so busy trying to open my chair, get my sunscreen, get my water, situate myself, and decide what magazine I to read that I didn’t see  the beauty of the ocean.  I was certainly not practicing mindfulness.  When I looked up, I noticed my husband, Mark, and I watched him as he threw out some casts. I felt a rush of love and gratitude for him and this moment. I noticed the  glistening of the sun on the water.  A little further down there were a number of dogs with their owners. They were big dogs and small ones some were barking. A few of the dogs were running  in and out of the water trying to avoid the waves with such energy and abandon. It made me smile.  I looked at my arm and found the ladybug was still there. I was glad.  I wondered how many other times I missed out on present moments When did I not see the beauty of where I was and who I was with? Was I so determined to always accomplish something that I missed out on living? I also realized I often treated God like the ladybug at times during my life. How many times had he come and kept coming to me, and like the ladybug I shooed Him away?

Then once I answered the call and gave Him my attention making Him the center of my life, how many times did the day pass and  I did not think of Him.  How many times had he sent people into my life who were teachers, messengers, and had something to share with me, or teach me and I refused to see or hear? He is always there willing to help in my path to mindfulness and the spiritual life. I just have to look and listen for Him. For the rest of the day, I did not look at any of the magazines I had in my beach bag.

Instead, I took in the sun, I closed my eyes, relaxed, and listened to the waves.  I also practiced centering prayer. This time  I took time to prepare prior to entering into centering prayer.  Then when  the sounding bell went off, I took my time, said an Our Father, and did not immediately open my eyes get up and move on to the next activity.  I realized that sometimes I treat centering prayer as just another task, or a chore – set the alarm for twenty minutes, take a deep breath begin – and then I become agitated when I cannot calm myself enough to have the experience of the centering prayer.  I find that when I do allow myself to enter into the centering prayer,  I clear my mind and am open to contact with the spirit.  I have such a feeling of relief and many times tears run down my face. These are tears of joy, tears of contentment, tears of renewal and healing – I’m going to the source of life and I am being touched by it.  I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to make time to do the centering prayer every day, when it benefits me so much.  Perhaps because it is very difficult to allow myself to become vulnerable, open, and remain in the present moment. I will continue to make these efforts. I miss so much, just like my Ladybug, when I do not live mindfully.

My trip to Joshua Tree National Park became a pilgrimage for me. I went to the visitor center to get a map and find some hiking trails; and during my search I saw the Joshua tree for the first time in a display.  Underneath the tree was a picture of Joshua raising his  hands up to the sky in prayer. Folk lore has it that a group of Mormon settlers who crossed the Mojave Desert in the mid-19^th century upon seeing the tree and its unique shape reminded them of the Biblical  story of Joshua. This was especially meaningful for them as they were traveling westward to their own “Promised Land.”

This left me with a warm feeling as I began exploring the park, and every time I saw the tree I thought of Joshua. The trees came in different sizes and shapes but whether the Joshua tree was small or large, if it had flowers or not, it’s branches were always pointed up. It reaches for the sky and basks in the bright sun.

In looking at the wonder of nature all around me I felt the presence of God; amongst rocks, cactus, the vastness of the desert, and the silence. With every step I took on the hiking trails I thought of the Joshua tree. It gave new meaning to the words of St Paul in  Thessalonians 5:17-18, “ Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks for this is the will of God.” The Joshua tree which appeared  everywhere in the park reminded me of this. It’s very shape and being was made for reaching toward the sky and the light of the sun, trusting in its Creator for all it needs. This is what I must do as well.

While trekking through the park all I thought about was putting one foot in front of the other, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and body and the wind flowing through my hair. I was totally in the moment and felt such gratitude and love. I was overwhelmed not just with the beauty that surrounded me but with the experience of just “ Being.” I did not look at my watch and I could tell when we had to head back as the sun started to fall behind the mountains at 5:00.

I thought to myself, “This is mindfulness.

The moments Mark and I shared there were precious. Having a boxed lunch amidst split rock and the desert while a wood pecker pecked on the nearby Joshua tree; I felt whole and in union with God. It was pure joy. I realize that I spend most of my prayer life feeling as if I have to do “something.”  I had to justify God’s love for me by saying the right prayers, at the right time, in the right place. I  thought I had to work for God’s love.

And when I fell as I so often did, by behaving badly or not doing what I should,  I was overcome with sadness and hopelessness. Now I know I can never do anything for God or make Him love me. It is a free gift. I just need to ask and be receptive. And that is what praying is to be in constant relationship with Him.  I am like the Joshua Tree surrounded by the desert but basking in God’s warm embrace and love. Always looking up for help, guidance, and grace. He is the source of all. Light, Love, and Eternity.

Advent is my favorite time of the liturgical year.  Advent comes from the Latin word meaning “coming.” Jesus is coming and this is the season of preparation for his arrival. Whenever I wait for something I am filled with excitement and anticipation. For the past few weeks I had been experiencing a longing and sadness that would not let up. When I am busy and distracted I did not notice it but when I  was still or unoccupied it overwhelmed me.

This season of advent I promised myself I would sit with and pay attention to this longing and truly experience this time in a mindful prayerful way. I was determined not to become immersed in the craziness and frenetic celebrations. I also decided to not decorate my home until the third week of Advent. I was going to celebrate Advent the way it was meant to be celebrated.

I was going to pay attention.

To that end I signed up for an Advent silent directed retreat at St. Joseph’s retreat house. I did not begin well. The retreat was to begin at 5:00 and little did I know but my office had said yes to a Christmas party that evening and my associate arranged to attend with me. This was an important client and I did what I always do. I said to myself, ”I can do it. I will go,check in, have the required meeting with my spiritual director and leave. I can juggle everything. “

So I checked in had the introduction and decided to even try and fit in the advent prayer service.  I was a nervous wreck, looking at my watch and of course the service was longer than expected and my cell phone rang as I was lighting my candle. It was my associate looking for me. I sat down shut off my cell phone, took a deep breath and enjoyed the rest of the service. I did not want to leave and realized this juggling act had to stop. This was not mindful living. I was so happy when I returned to the retreat house that evening; even though I barely made it back before the gates closed and when I returned there was a nun in her nightgown at the front desk waiting for me.  I crawled into bed exhausted; the noise from the party still ringing in my ears and my stomach upset from overeating.

Needless to say my meeting with my director focused on how the longing I was feeling was for Him and how the choices I made had a direct correlation on how I felt. I realized when I do not live mindfully and do not choose what will bring me closer to Him I am lost. Pat, my director, likened my life to that of a juggler .Being a juggler is not what I or He wants for me.  This Advent I am praying for help to toss some of the balls away. So I have new exercise when I need to make a decision about whether to juggle another “ball.” I ask,”Will this bring me peace, joy and wholeness? Or will this cause me further anxiety, emptiness and longing?

This weekend was truly a gift as the retreat house was opened one year ago at the school I attended from Kindergarten through high school. I had never been back for this experience was like many experiences of my past  life. Once something was over or accomplished I was onto the next goal or “ball” to juggle and I never looked back.  I buried the hurts, disappointments, as well as the good times. I was always looking ahead but yet never “preparing.”

However, now I felt I had come home. A flood of memories overcame me throughout the weekend and I made peace with my past.  I went for a long walk around the grounds and was able to forgive myself as well as those who I felt had failed me. I took stock of where I had been and where I was going, This time as I walked to all the places I remembered I knew I was not walking alone  as I had as a child and teenager. I knew He was beside me and I would never be alone again.

I had plans to attend a talk at NYU given by the Catholic Artist Society entitled Art and Transformation given by James Reid an accomplished artist. I was going to have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in the Village, called Toloache.  This  restaurant served unique, flavorful Mexican food. Tonight,  I was determined  to try the grasshopper tacos, a delicacy the chef was famous for.  The first part of this adventure was to begin at St Anthony of Padua on Sullivan street.

Mark and I were going to confession an mass. As we entered the church it was dark and I could not see the altar. Mark and I went to confession and then as I was praying the lights were turned on by the sacristy.  The lights illuminated the altar. Before me above the altar was a magnificent statue of the Blessed Mother handing the baby Jesus  to a kneeling, reverent St. Anthony, with his arms outstretched ready to receive the infant. I thought to myself, this is absolutely perfect. Mary held  onto the infant and was waiting to see if the arms of St. Anthony would catch her son and embrace him. This is exactly what Jesus  does He patiently waits for us to come to Him. The infant’s face was joyous and welcoming wanting and waiting  to be received. I questioned how or even if  I would welcome Him into my life this Advent.

My heart was full of love and gratitude for Mary’s gift to us. How she loves Him and us. There are many depictions of the Madonna and child but I had never seen one where it was so clearly demonstrated — if we are receptive Mary will bring us to Jesus. This is a powerful lesson especially as we are about to begin Advent. The incarnation is why we celebrate  Christmas.

Christ being brought into the world for us. Emanuel after all means God with us and Jesus means God saves. It all began with Mary’s fiat, her yes. Not only did she say yes to giving birth to our Lord;  but she said yes to sharing Him with us .All we need do is ask. This is the greatest gift we are given at Christmas.

Mindfulness is not just being in the present moment but “being.”     I have always had difficulty staying in the present moment and it has been just as difficult for me to not do anything. To be still not productive and efficient. Even when I do centering prayer I have to make a conscious effort to not move and as I begin my mind wanders to what I will be or should be doing next.  I have to keep coming back to the word so I can enter into the stillness and become open to God.

I realize that mindfulness, paying attention to my feelings, reactions, and breathing is a very important part of this journey but there is something just as important. That is not having plans, not equating the day with what can I get out of it or what I can accomplish. For so long my leisure time was a chance to catch up on everything I could not get to during the work week.

If I slept in, read a book,  or watched a movie I felt incredibly guilty. I was recently on vacation in the Smokey mountains while hiking I tried to take in the beauty and magnificence of the area; but, I often found myself rushing to make it to the end of the trail so I could say I did it. It reminds me of that saying life is a journey not a destination. I brought this to prayer and asked for help to be able to really live and be cured of this incessant need to do and inability to be.

I also put pressure on myself to plan events and go places so I did not “waste the time” as time off was precious and I devoured it. I began to realize this and I was most vulnerable during the fall, winter, and spring.  During the summer because I love the beach I am more able to lay in the sun and read a book. After of course, I watched the sun rise,  played tennis, had ridden my bike to church and took a swim in the ocean.!

Since becoming more aware of my behavior and spending time examining what I do and why,  I have made an effort to try and challenge myself to not plan the weekend and stay home. On Saturday I stayed in, well almost. I did some work, wrote an article for my office blog, cleaned, took my  Dad to church then dinner and went to get a mani/pedi.

I tried again on Sunday. This time I read magazines, two chapters of a book by Fulton Sheen, prayed and put on the hallmark channel. Yet I just couldn’t do it. I began making plans for the holidays, then I grabbed my computer to write. First I could not get service. Then after fixing that my cat spilled water all over my papers. Finally I set myself up again, determined to do something!

All of a sudden I got a terrible nose bleed. I had to close the computer and put my head back. I still fought it and I got up after 15 minutes; however, and it started again but worse.  My stepdaughter was so concerned she went on line to see what research what to do and got me an ice pack. Her kindness touched me. I placed the ice pack on my nose and exerted pressure.

Then it hit me I wasn’t going to do anything today. God had seen to that. My prayer was being answered.. Because it was beyond my control, I surrendered. I did not feel any guilt and I just relaxed and enjoyed the gift.

In my journey to be become more mindful I realized that I would need to learn to become less busy to be able to reflect and be in the moment. I needed to be able to be still and quiet realizing this is just as important as accomplishing tasks and goals. I had become a human doing rather than a human being. Even during my prayer time I felt I had to talk, read, write, and come away with meaningful insights. In order to be in relationship one needs to listen.

This is especially true during prayer which is being in relationship with God. I was longing for a way to grow in my prayer life and to be more mindful of the time I spent in prayer. And when one truly searches the Spirit will answer. The answer came when I attended an Ignatian prayer meeting. I had an affinity for Ignatian spirituality. It is cerebral, analytical and solution focused. A case in point are St.Ignatius’s Rules for Discernment.

At these prayer meetings we engage in discursive meditation which St Ignatius championed. A scripture passage is read and you enter into the scene using your imagination and meditate on it. You are open and receptive to the prompting of the Spirit. After the meditation one can journal, or share their experience and insights. This day we chose the Wedding Feast at Cana, one of my favorites.

During our sharing Greg, a member of the group, talked about centering prayer and how it had helped his prayer life allowing him to be more contemplative and receptive. I was intrigued. I had heard about centering prayer and had even seen a flyer about centering prayer at a retreat house but I never really knew what it was. I soon learned that Centering Prayer is a method of prayer in which we consent to rest in God’s presence. It is a prayer that moves us beyond conversation with Christ to commune with Him.

It prepares one to receive the gift of contemplation. Contemplation is being in and with God and leads to transformation. It is pure gift. I soon found that the process is simple but not so easy to do. Like most spiritual practices as well as the spiritual life it takes persistence, desire and Grace.

This is the method:

1) One chooses a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within us.

2) sitting comfortably and with eyes closed, settle briefly and silently introduce the sacred word as the symbol of your consent to God’s presence and action within.

3) When engaged with your thoughts return ever-so gently to the sacred word

4) At the end of the prayer period remain in silence with eyes closed for a couple of minutes

The recommended time is between twenty to thirty minutes twice daily. This was a very daunting prospect for me but I was willing to try and was sure this would compliment my meditative prayer and help me in the journey toward peace, healing, and wholeness.

It has been over two months since I began centering prayer. I still have times when I become distracted and begin to plan what I am going to do tomorrow or later in the day.

However, I remain, say the scared word, and return. I find when the time is up I do not want to leave. It is like being shown a glimmer of light and having to return to the darkness. However, I return more peaceful, more mindful, more intentional, and with light to share and that has made all the difference.