Advent is my favorite time of the liturgical year. Advent comes from the Latin word meaning “coming.” Jesus is coming and this is the season of preparation for his arrival. Whenever I wait for something I am filled with excitement and anticipation. For the past few weeks I had been experiencing a longing and sadness that would not let up. When I am busy and distracted I did not notice it but when I was still or unoccupied it overwhelmed me.
This season of advent I promised myself I would sit with and pay attention to this longing and truly experience this time in a mindful prayerful way. I was determined not to become immersed in the craziness and frenetic celebrations. I also decided to not decorate my home until the third week of Advent. I was going to celebrate Advent the way it was meant to be celebrated.
I was going to pay attention.
To that end I signed up for an Advent silent directed retreat at St. Joseph’s retreat house. I did not begin well. The retreat was to begin at 5:00 and little did I know but my office had said yes to a Christmas party that evening and my associate arranged to attend with me. This was an important client and I did what I always do. I said to myself, ”I can do it. I will go,check in, have the required meeting with my spiritual director and leave. I can juggle everything. “
So I checked in had the introduction and decided to even try and fit in the advent prayer service. I was a nervous wreck, looking at my watch and of course the service was longer than expected and my cell phone rang as I was lighting my candle. It was my associate looking for me. I sat down shut off my cell phone, took a deep breath and enjoyed the rest of the service. I did not want to leave and realized this juggling act had to stop. This was not mindful living. I was so happy when I returned to the retreat house that evening; even though I barely made it back before the gates closed and when I returned there was a nun in her nightgown at the front desk waiting for me. I crawled into bed exhausted; the noise from the party still ringing in my ears and my stomach upset from overeating.
Needless to say my meeting with my director focused on how the longing I was feeling was for Him and how the choices I made had a direct correlation on how I felt. I realized when I do not live mindfully and do not choose what will bring me closer to Him I am lost. Pat, my director, likened my life to that of a juggler .Being a juggler is not what I or He wants for me. This Advent I am praying for help to toss some of the balls away. So I have new exercise when I need to make a decision about whether to juggle another “ball.” I ask,”Will this bring me peace, joy and wholeness? Or will this cause me further anxiety, emptiness and longing?
This weekend was truly a gift as the retreat house was opened one year ago at the school I attended from Kindergarten through high school. I had never been back for this experience was like many experiences of my past life. Once something was over or accomplished I was onto the next goal or “ball” to juggle and I never looked back. I buried the hurts, disappointments, as well as the good times. I was always looking ahead but yet never “preparing.”
However, now I felt I had come home. A flood of memories overcame me throughout the weekend and I made peace with my past. I went for a long walk around the grounds and was able to forgive myself as well as those who I felt had failed me. I took stock of where I had been and where I was going, This time as I walked to all the places I remembered I knew I was not walking alone as I had as a child and teenager. I knew He was beside me and I would never be alone again.
