Mindfulness is not just being in the present moment but “being.” I have always had difficulty staying in the present moment and it has been just as difficult for me to not do anything. To be still not productive and efficient. Even when I do centering prayer I have to make a conscious effort to not move and as I begin my mind wanders to what I will be or should be doing next. I have to keep coming back to the word so I can enter into the stillness and become open to God.
I realize that mindfulness, paying attention to my feelings, reactions, and breathing is a very important part of this journey but there is something just as important. That is not having plans, not equating the day with what can I get out of it or what I can accomplish. For so long my leisure time was a chance to catch up on everything I could not get to during the work week.
If I slept in, read a book, or watched a movie I felt incredibly guilty. I was recently on vacation in the Smokey mountains while hiking I tried to take in the beauty and magnificence of the area; but, I often found myself rushing to make it to the end of the trail so I could say I did it. It reminds me of that saying life is a journey not a destination. I brought this to prayer and asked for help to be able to really live and be cured of this incessant need to do and inability to be.
I also put pressure on myself to plan events and go places so I did not “waste the time” as time off was precious and I devoured it. I began to realize this and I was most vulnerable during the fall, winter, and spring. During the summer because I love the beach I am more able to lay in the sun and read a book. After of course, I watched the sun rise, played tennis, had ridden my bike to church and took a swim in the ocean.!
Since becoming more aware of my behavior and spending time examining what I do and why, I have made an effort to try and challenge myself to not plan the weekend and stay home. On Saturday I stayed in, well almost. I did some work, wrote an article for my office blog, cleaned, took my Dad to church then dinner and went to get a mani/pedi.
I tried again on Sunday. This time I read magazines, two chapters of a book by Fulton Sheen, prayed and put on the hallmark channel. Yet I just couldn’t do it. I began making plans for the holidays, then I grabbed my computer to write. First I could not get service. Then after fixing that my cat spilled water all over my papers. Finally I set myself up again, determined to do something!
All of a sudden I got a terrible nose bleed. I had to close the computer and put my head back. I still fought it and I got up after 15 minutes; however, and it started again but worse. My stepdaughter was so concerned she went on line to see what research what to do and got me an ice pack. Her kindness touched me. I placed the ice pack on my nose and exerted pressure.
Then it hit me I wasn’t going to do anything today. God had seen to that. My prayer was being answered.. Because it was beyond my control, I surrendered. I did not feel any guilt and I just relaxed and enjoyed the gift.
