The Mindful Lawyer views the Movie “Silence”
One of the insights I have had on the mindful journey is that to live a life of peace one must give up the notion we can control our destiny. I had a difficult time with this concept. I have always been a planner and prided myself on my independence. I bought into the myth that you can control your own destiny alone. However, I have begun to realize that I have lived an illusion. I must acknowledge where I am and who I am. I am of a certain age, have certain talents, and abilities; but I also have limitations.
I have learned through prayer, reflection, and paying attention to the circumstances I find myself in every minute of every day that there is something greater at work. Surprisingly, the definition of a Saint is living according to God’s will and purpose. This is no easy task. I have come to realize that I cannot do it alone. I depend on God’s grace and love. He alone is the divine source. I need only ask. In order to not block God’s grace I must remain in Him and live, act and be like Him. He has shown us how to live to live life fully. When I fall and I so very often do I ask for forgiveness and God’s mercy. His mercy is abundant. In my struggles I have found the sacraments are a source of help. and strengthen the connection.
As I experience this relationship I see how I will not always understand why things happen as they do; or why I have the life I do. I must accept where I am at a particular time and particular place. To embrace my commitments and obligations and best fulfill them according to God’s will. When Christ said take up your cross and follow me he meant living my ordinary life as best I can in love and service.
I spent so much time wondering about a life I could have had and had the audacity to presume what God could do for me or through me. I know now that my pride has stood in the way of my growth and transformation. I am not my own god. I must follow his lead.
When I watched the movie “Silence,” I was very troubled. It left me depleted and uneasy. I now see why. The priests in that movie thought they knew and understood God. They began a crusade to find their “lost” priest but somehow along the way it was no longer a labor of love for and with God. It became “their” crusade. They tried to do their will not God’s will. Father Garupe played by Adam Driver was tempted to be a savior instead of serving the “Savior” He lived and made decisions according to his will not God’s.
God is mystery and I know I will never understand Him. However I do know that I must l love, serve ,and never deny him. And for this reason I most identified with the character Kichijiro. Though a poor wretch who was anything but faithful he kept coming back to God begging for forgiveness. In the end he kept the cross on his person even though he knew the risk and it was ultimately his demise. While Father Garupe served the Japanese government as the destroyer of all things Catholic.
The irony of the movie is that Father Garupe and Father Ferreira played by Liam Neeson were less faithful then the very followers they wanted to protect and were called to serve Their followers willingly died as martyrs. Japan was called a swamp by the Grand Inquisitor. However, even a swamp can be fertilized and produce with the blood of martyrs. Father Rodriguez who at first had doubts about the mission and the Japan .ended up sacrificing his life for his flock as Jesus did.
This movie did remind me of my love and gratitude for the mass, and our ability to practice my faith. The privatization of religion as demonstrated by the later life of Father Garupe broke my heart. He worked for the Japanese to eradicate ant signs of the faith. Martin Scorsese’s attempt at the end of the film to redeem Father Garupe by having him buried with a crucifix in his hand was the saddest moment of the film.
Jesus said we would be persecuted. If you love someone and they are everything to you and deny them would be to deny yourself. You would never hide or remain “Silent!”
Advent is my favorite time of the liturgical year. Advent comes from the Latin word meaning “coming.” Jesus is coming and this is the season of preparation for his arrival. Whenever I wait for something I am filled with excitement and anticipation. For the past few weeks I had been experiencing a longing and sadness that would not let up. When I am busy and distracted I did not notice it but when I was still or unoccupied it overwhelmed me.
This season of advent I promised myself I would sit with and pay attention to this longing and truly experience this time in a mindful prayerful way. I was determined not to become immersed in the craziness and frenetic celebrations. I also decided to not decorate my home until the third week of Advent. I was going to celebrate Advent the way it was meant to be celebrated.
I was going to pay attention.
To that end I signed up for an Advent silent directed retreat at St. Joseph’s retreat house. I did not begin well. The retreat was to begin at 5:00 and little did I know but my office had said yes to a Christmas party that evening and my associate arranged to attend with me. This was an important client and I did what I always do. I said to myself, ”I can do it. I will go,check in, have the required meeting with my spiritual director and leave. I can juggle everything. “
So I checked in had the introduction and decided to even try and fit in the advent prayer service. I was a nervous wreck, looking at my watch and of course the service was longer than expected and my cell phone rang as I was lighting my candle. It was my associate looking for me. I sat down shut off my cell phone, took a deep breath and enjoyed the rest of the service. I did not want to leave and realized this juggling act had to stop. This was not mindful living. I was so happy when I returned to the retreat house that evening; even though I barely made it back before the gates closed and when I returned there was a nun in her nightgown at the front desk waiting for me. I crawled into bed exhausted; the noise from the party still ringing in my ears and my stomach upset from overeating.
Needless to say my meeting with my director focused on how the longing I was feeling was for Him and how the choices I made had a direct correlation on how I felt. I realized when I do not live mindfully and do not choose what will bring me closer to Him I am lost. Pat, my director, likened my life to that of a juggler .Being a juggler is not what I or He wants for me. This Advent I am praying for help to toss some of the balls away. So I have new exercise when I need to make a decision about whether to juggle another “ball.” I ask,”Will this bring me peace, joy and wholeness? Or will this cause me further anxiety, emptiness and longing?
This weekend was truly a gift as the retreat house was opened one year ago at the school I attended from Kindergarten through high school. I had never been back for this experience was like many experiences of my past life. Once something was over or accomplished I was onto the next goal or “ball” to juggle and I never looked back. I buried the hurts, disappointments, as well as the good times. I was always looking ahead but yet never “preparing.”
However, now I felt I had come home. A flood of memories overcame me throughout the weekend and I made peace with my past. I went for a long walk around the grounds and was able to forgive myself as well as those who I felt had failed me. I took stock of where I had been and where I was going, This time as I walked to all the places I remembered I knew I was not walking alone as I had as a child and teenager. I knew He was beside me and I would never be alone again.
I had plans to attend a talk at NYU given by the Catholic Artist Society entitled Art and Transformation given by James Reid an accomplished artist. I was going to have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in the Village, called Toloache. This restaurant served unique, flavorful Mexican food. Tonight, I was determined to try the grasshopper tacos, a delicacy the chef was famous for. The first part of this adventure was to begin at St Anthony of Padua on Sullivan street.
Mark and I were going to confession an mass. As we entered the church it was dark and I could not see the altar. Mark and I went to confession and then as I was praying the lights were turned on by the sacristy. The lights illuminated the altar. Before me above the altar was a magnificent statue of the Blessed Mother handing the baby Jesus to a kneeling, reverent St. Anthony, with his arms outstretched ready to receive the infant. I thought to myself, this is absolutely perfect. Mary held onto the infant and was waiting to see if the arms of St. Anthony would catch her son and embrace him. This is exactly what Jesus does He patiently waits for us to come to Him. The infant’s face was joyous and welcoming wanting and waiting to be received. I questioned how or even if I would welcome Him into my life this Advent.
My heart was full of love and gratitude for Mary’s gift to us. How she loves Him and us. There are many depictions of the Madonna and child but I had never seen one where it was so clearly demonstrated — if we are receptive Mary will bring us to Jesus. This is a powerful lesson especially as we are about to begin Advent. The incarnation is why we celebrate Christmas.
Christ being brought into the world for us. Emanuel after all means God with us and Jesus means God saves. It all began with Mary’s fiat, her yes. Not only did she say yes to giving birth to our Lord; but she said yes to sharing Him with us .All we need do is ask. This is the greatest gift we are given at Christmas.
Mindfulness is not just being in the present moment but “being.” I have always had difficulty staying in the present moment and it has been just as difficult for me to not do anything. To be still not productive and efficient. Even when I do centering prayer I have to make a conscious effort to not move and as I begin my mind wanders to what I will be or should be doing next. I have to keep coming back to the word so I can enter into the stillness and become open to God.
I realize that mindfulness, paying attention to my feelings, reactions, and breathing is a very important part of this journey but there is something just as important. That is not having plans, not equating the day with what can I get out of it or what I can accomplish. For so long my leisure time was a chance to catch up on everything I could not get to during the work week.
If I slept in, read a book, or watched a movie I felt incredibly guilty. I was recently on vacation in the Smokey mountains while hiking I tried to take in the beauty and magnificence of the area; but, I often found myself rushing to make it to the end of the trail so I could say I did it. It reminds me of that saying life is a journey not a destination. I brought this to prayer and asked for help to be able to really live and be cured of this incessant need to do and inability to be.
I also put pressure on myself to plan events and go places so I did not “waste the time” as time off was precious and I devoured it. I began to realize this and I was most vulnerable during the fall, winter, and spring. During the summer because I love the beach I am more able to lay in the sun and read a book. After of course, I watched the sun rise, played tennis, had ridden my bike to church and took a swim in the ocean.!
Since becoming more aware of my behavior and spending time examining what I do and why, I have made an effort to try and challenge myself to not plan the weekend and stay home. On Saturday I stayed in, well almost. I did some work, wrote an article for my office blog, cleaned, took my Dad to church then dinner and went to get a mani/pedi.
I tried again on Sunday. This time I read magazines, two chapters of a book by Fulton Sheen, prayed and put on the hallmark channel. Yet I just couldn’t do it. I began making plans for the holidays, then I grabbed my computer to write. First I could not get service. Then after fixing that my cat spilled water all over my papers. Finally I set myself up again, determined to do something!
All of a sudden I got a terrible nose bleed. I had to close the computer and put my head back. I still fought it and I got up after 15 minutes; however, and it started again but worse. My stepdaughter was so concerned she went on line to see what research what to do and got me an ice pack. Her kindness touched me. I placed the ice pack on my nose and exerted pressure.
Then it hit me I wasn’t going to do anything today. God had seen to that. My prayer was being answered.. Because it was beyond my control, I surrendered. I did not feel any guilt and I just relaxed and enjoyed the gift.
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