The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. As I practice mindfulness I am more aware of my behaviors, particularly my shortcomings. I am also much more cognizant of my triggers. For example, interruptions at work and over scheduling cause me to become stressed and anxious. As a result, I over react to the slightest thing. This leads to fits of anger and loss of self control and God help anyone on the receiving end.
I realize I am responsible for my own behavior. I cannot blame mistakes made by others as justification for my rage. I realize this is my problem. While I may be correct that something was not done properly, the way I communicate that is up to me. What I need is a breath, the prayer, the help of God’s grace to stop. Then to thoughtfully consider what I am feeling as I discover a mistake and discern what to do if anything.
Part of this discernment process is to acknowledge I am only human and as a result broken. We all are. So if certain habits or practices trigger me I need to attempt to put systems in place that will help alleviate the stressors, such as not over booking, closing my door, limiting interruptions, getting enough sleep , and eating healthy and regularly. I have to change my entire perspective from one of perfectionism. My focus cannot be solely finishing the to do list at all costs or focusing only on the amount of money I am making no matter what the cost or who became a casualty in my wake..
My pride, inflated ego, and thinking I could and should do it all is my shadow or dark side. I would often tell people I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde two people in one. The office and lawyer persona and then the true self. When I was young I used to watch “The Incredible Hulk.” When Bill Bixby said, ” Don’t make me angry you won’t like it when I get angry,” who knew he was talking about the adult me. The fact he became not only strong but green was also ironic, as I struggle with envy and another shadow side of myself. I was amazed myself how differently I reacted when not in the office. I can actually feel my body tighten as I walked into the office. Unfortunately, it often took me a full day away from the courts and the office to be able to take off my mask and become me again.
Just acknowledging this was a big step. However, it does not stop there. I cannot heal this wild beast alone. It’s energy and power overwhelms me. I have the will to change but only God can tame the savage beast with His mercy and love. I must call on Him only He can bring light into the dark. I cannot destroy the shadow without destroying myself. I must own it and make friends with it. Using humor also helps. I now understand what St. Benedict and Padre Pio meant when they said pray always. In every moment of the day as soon as I feel I am slipping by moving away from God I must call on
Him before I fall. I surrender to Him. And if I fall I ask for forgiveness make amends and start all over again. This is the story of the human condition. The blessing is to be mindful of it and not remain unconscious of it.
In order to be more cognizant of my failings and my shadow side, I do a daily Examen at the end of the day. I calm myself with breathing and place myself in the presence of the Light. I review the day asking the Spirit to show me where there was light where there was darkness. I express gratitude for the wins where I moved closer to the Light rather than further away. I thank God for all that I experienced knowing it is part of the transformation process of becoming mindful. I am holding the tension between the Hulk and my true self me by accepting he will always be there but with God’s grace he will not “erupt.”